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How do you cultivate connection amidst disagreement? According to McKinsey’s Diversity Matters research series, which analyzes 1,265 companies, 23 countries and six global regions, diversity of thought strengthens companies and may contribute to the bottom line by nearly 40%. Yet confronting preferences, whether for continued remote work, greater vacation time or disparate political leanings, the subjective experience of individuals working in these environments may be stressful if not stall forward progress altogether.
As a CEO of an executive branding company working with seven to 10-figure CEOs and Family Offices worldwide, I have an intimate behind-the-scenes understanding of the emotional dynamics that underpin high-performing and fast-growth teams. Many of these companies retain divisions in different regions or countries, adding a layer of cultural variance among societal and workforce expectations.
Additionally, my Family Office clients may experience intergenerational communication challenges as the older members of the governing body prioritize different verticals than the more innovative younger counterparts. My unique vantage point has given me a nuanced understanding and access to private conversations with high-ranking leaders who face similar daily challenges.
I recently had a private conversation with a Marine Corps Four-Star General who was tasked with overseeing and facilitating high-stakes negotiations between opposing leaders in the Middle East. In it, he shared his personal framework for driving results and helping keep bridges of connection strong in these conflict-ridden engagements. I asked him about the tactical steps to engage opposing groups with empathy to find a path forward amidst tension.
We have leveraged this framework inside my company and personal conversations with great benefit. If you struggle to maintain cohesion amongst your staff or executive team, read on for the five-step framework that will shift your momentum in a positive direction.
Related: How to Successfully Manage and Resolve Conflict on Your Team
1. Listen to understand
Before the conversation, get clear on the intention and tactics for this conversation. To start, your goal is to understand their perspective and be an active listener so they feel heard. The other person will receive this if you maintain eye contact, nod your head as you listen and avoid negative or judgmental facial expressions. Ask deepening questions, such as “From what I hear you saying … is that correct? Is there anything else?”
Within my company, empathy is the foundation of everything we do. We aim to anticipate the underlying drivers for the individuals on the team and also with our clientele. We ask ourselves, “What is their vantage point and motivation?” so we can customize a tailored solution to their nuanced issue. This has allowed us to receive 85% retention and renewal rates and feedback from customers that “This is the best customer service I have ever seen in any company.”
2. Create a container
In high-stakes conversations, it can be easy to belabor the point for hours, weeks or even months without arriving at a conclusion. This delay becomes an emotional drain that robs your company and efforts of the focused potency that is possible when everyone is on the same page. To ensure this doesn’t happen to you, establish parameters around the high-stakes conversation.
Specifically, this might mean that you create a period of time, a certain day of the week, a specific meeting, a private 1:1 lunch or a specified Slack channel to have the conversation. During this container of time, each party knows they have permission to be heard. Notedly, both parties have a shared understanding of what outcome we look to achieve and take away from the conversation. Coming away from the meeting, we aim to have a resolution and an action plan based on what is discussed.
For example, one technique we used to set the framework for these conversations is to begin the sentence with “Permission to share…?” This alerts the other party that you will be sharing openly, and they give permission to listen. Set a timer for a certain amount of time so there is a defined endpoint. When the timer goes off, the conversation is over, and the takeaways from the conversation will be implemented. Encourage unfiltered honesty during this container so everyone gets the chance to express within the appropriate parameters.
Related: Here Are 3 Strategies Startup Founders Can Use to Approach High-Impact Disputes
3. Keep your ego in check
Great leaders know that the mission matters more than being “right.” Remove the temptation to become defensive, justify your position or become fearful of the potent emotions being expressed. According to bestselling author Dr. John Gottman, leading psychologist on relationships, defensiveness is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” which Gottman considers corrosive for interpersonal relationships.
Remember that the purpose of the exercise is to allow expression — to hear all perspectives so you can learn. This is an opportunity to access a goldmine of information. Use the data wisely in order to drive decisions within your company that give everyone the most optionality. Understand the values driving each viewpoint.
For example, in my company, we value personal accountability and responsibility. This extends throughout the entire company. In a position of leadership, if I created the conditions for someone on the team to not be successful and they are struggling, I take ownership of that with an apology. I may say, “Sorry I dropped the ball on this. That is my fault.” Another phrase might be, “I may not have been clear in explaining the scope of the project.” This sets the stage for honesty at all ranks of the company and keeps us in a growth mindset to move forward. Unpleasant feedback or expression is vital data to be weighed and integrated (as applicable) into the business objectives as a whole.
4. Find points of synergy
Instead of shutting down, stay open. What else is here? Consider the broader mission of the company that can be informed by these new perspectives or somehow integrated into the implementation. Refocus on the larger vision to align even the most diverse perspectives. Find access points to bring the team together around points of synergy and broader purpose.
For example, you may discover that two parties or two divisions may have contrarian goals and objectives, but they agree on one specific area. Assign them to collaborate around this point of synergy to advance a specific goal; it will strengthen their alliance. The goal here is to provide a win-win scenario that fortifies the fibers of your team and, thereby, the company.
Related: 7 Steps for Keeping Conflict Healthy
5. Seek to serve
Upon establishing the common ground, build on it. Let people know that their problem is your problem. Find the unifying values that thread through your team. For example, to complete the conversation, you could recap by saying, “Coming away from this conversation, we understand that our shared goal is X. And to accomplish that, we will implement Y.” Everyone agrees, then follows through on what was discovered by the conversation.
Demonstrate your commitment to helping them solve their problem to the best of your capacity. As I learned in the conversation with the Marine Corps Four-Star General, he would say, “Your problem is my problem … I am committed to solving it with you.” When you listen to learn and help, most individuals will relax and feel safer in the environment. This provides a foundation for growth and the discovery of a sustainable path forward.
Leaders have a powerful opportunity to strengthen the team’s fabric, unite disparate groups together and achieve greater outcomes for the benefit of everyone. Empathy is the lynchpin.