The holidays are now fast approaching, but when it comes to the delicate matter of staying with family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, seasonal excitement can quickly turn to dread.
Luckily, boundary expert and author Melissa Urban, 49, has shared how to make visiting even the most sensitive of families over the holiday season easy as pie. Recently, she racked up 361,000 views on a new Instagram video [@melissau] by posting her top tips on tackling sleeping arrangements over the festivities—including how to break the news to in-laws.
A previous survey by hospitality company Motel 6 found that 75 percent of 2,000 American adults who travel to see family over the holidays will eventually reach a breaking point and require some time away from them. But this can be avoided according to Urban, from Salt Lake, Utah, and the author of The Book of Boundaries.
Provided/Instagram/@melissau
She told Newsweek: “Allowing another boundary-less holiday season harms your physical and mental health, has a negative impact on your wallet and free time, and most importantly, hurts your relationships too.”
First up, she insists you must deal with your own family, while your partner handles theirs. Then, be brief, direct and honest in all of your Christmas communications.
During the clip, Urban shares exactly how to tell family that you will be visiting without staying at their house.
She states the conversation should go like this: “Can’t wait to see you—we will be flying in Thursday and flying out on Tuesday and just so you know, we have already booked an Airbnb for this trip.”
The trick is to make sure you aren’t giving them the option to say no as it is already booked. If the in-laws begin to challenge your choice, then the response should be: “This isn’t about you, it’s important for us to have some quiet time this year; just the two of us.”
Lastly, Urban emphasizes how crucial it is to reserve your accommodation in advance of the call so you won’t have to lie if someone asks where it is.
So far, the clip shared on November 9 has over 8,500 likes and many positive comments.
One user said: “‘You deserve the holidays that you want too,’ should be a more common phrase.”
Another said: “Staying at a hotel or Airbnb for our visits probably saved our marriage. Also setting the boundary of not vacationing with in-laws/parents.”
How To Prevent Christmas Conflict
Christmas is supposed to be the season to be jolly yet family drama seems to be inevitable for many. Urban said: “Boundary challenges during the holidays are usually around where and how you spend your time.”
She explained it isn’t uncommon for people to spend the entire holiday trying to make everyone else happy, but this year she urges people to be clear and stern when it comes to making their plans.
“Think about how the holidays would feel if you just said, ‘Christmas morning is for us and the kids, so come by after 2 p.m.,’ or ‘we’re staying home this year,’ or ‘we’ve booked an Airbnb so we can have time just for us,'” she told Newsweek.
It may be uncomfortable to stand your ground but Urban insists it will be worth it.
Newsweek also reached out to an award-winning family therapist to find out how to keep the peace during festivities.
Provided/Danny Greeves
Danny Greeves, from Norwich, U.K., told Newsweek: “The most important step in avoiding Christmas conflict is to consider and think about the different values of the people you’ll be spending time with. When we understand someone else’s values we can get a clearer idea of the intentions behind their actions. So while some behaviors may be different or challenging, remembering the intention behind them can help communication and the holidays flow.”
Greeves encourages people to be mindful of their language to avoid any potential disagreements.
“Broad generalizations such as ‘you always do this’ or ‘you never do that’ can quickly lead to disagreements escalating. Whereas, clear, specific language helps to keep the situation calm. Communicating from a position of I, such as ‘I’ve noticed this’ or ‘I’m feeling that’ helps to take ownership of your own feelings without projecting on to others, which can often be a trigger for situations to escalate,” he said.
Melissa Urban’s Top 5 Tips To Help You Survive The Holidays With In-Laws
Game Plan
You and your spouse need to agree on what you are and what you are not willing to do this holiday season in advance; from visits to presents and everything in-between.
Don’t Negotiate
State your boundary clearly but politely and don’t over-explain. Don’t be drawn into negotiating a holiday which isn’t right for you and your immediate family.
Honesty Is the Best Policy
Speak kindly and be clear—”this is what we want for our holidays”—because that’s really what this is about. Don’t be tempted to lie to try and make things “easier.”
Offer an Alternative
Suggest other ways to connect during the holidays that are within your capacity. This could include video calling grandparents while your kids open presents or inviting them over for breakfast the following morning.
Put Yourself First
Remember that your needs and feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s—especially during the holidays. Have the Thanksgiving and Christmas you deserve.
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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